Saying My Peace

I've come to realize that the best chance you have if you want to rise from the top is to give yourself up to loneliness, fear nothing and work hard. One thing you'll discover is that life is based less than you think on what you've learned, and much more than you think on what you have inside of you from the beginning. I'm now starting to really count my blessings. Thank you God!

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Things have happened and words have been said. We can't really take any of it back nor have a do-over. I've hurt someone bad... really bad. I want you to know how deeply sorry I am for giving you such pain. If there was a good reason for all the pain and aggrevation... I'm dying to know, because hurting you wasn't my intention.

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For those who've gotten in touch with me, many many thanks... you know who you guys and gals are.

How do I fell? Well... coining a term for Bruce... I'll be on Auto-Pilot.

Rollercoaster

The past few weeks has been an emotional roller coaster for me. My friend even told me that I looked at bit bothered by it eventhough I've been trying to disguise my frustrations.

For starters I'm leaning on staying in my current dept and pursue a more higher position then to where my brother currently operates largely due to the fact of conflict with regards to geographical considerations. I'd much more tolerate the angst that's in my dept than to totally isolate myself towards the place I've grown accustomed to. Wish me luck on that! Oh and good luck also to my brother whose also vying to be a creative director.

To cap it all off I really hated these past two days. I've been literally banging my head against the wall and saying to myself, "What the hell was that?!" Bit by bit I'm ruining a relationship with someone, largely 'coz of the fact that I'm beginning to be a bit in over my head. Yesterday was the clicher... like I was there but I was not there to her. That's twice in two weeks that I've become the receiving end of frustrations with persons that I thought I was helping. I've once heard that you can't really save those that didn't want to be saved. I should've been more considerate and just given them space... Now I'm just not so sure anymore...

How do I feel? I realized I've was in love with someone who couldn't love me back. I wanted to be as important to her as she was but I'm never gonna be. It was make believe, another life I suppose. I just hope the friendship was real.

For The Man Who Has Everything

One day when I awoke, my eyes opened to a room I felt differently but recognized for some reason. Then I saw you there beside me, looking at me with just a smile on your face, at first I was a bit skeptical but a part of me felt like I've known you from somewhere... I dunno when, I dunno where, I just do. You laughed at me and ask why was I looking at you in a strange way... I'm sorry if I made you feel uneasy, I just needed to figure out what was going on.

You went along thinking that I was just playing around, you called me by name and you said that you're my wife and it's our anniversary today. I wasn't really taking it all in as how you were telling me... probably because you were giggling from time to time. But when I started to look into your eyes, part of me knew you were being sincere.

You told me you needed to get ready for the day, which gave me an oppurtunity to look around. I saw pictures of us, very happy and so much in love. I also saw pictures of what I think is our kids. They look so much like you he he he. All beautiful kids. Was I in some sort of dream? I pinched myself to see if I was and... well let's just say it hurt he he he.

Our kids where with your Mom and that we had the day all to ourselves. I had a great time. Although everything felt new, a part of me on the other hand felt like everything seemed in place for a while, like I've become accustomed to it.

Then when we finished our celebration, you sat with me at the balcony and you told me something, I really didn't pay attention to what it was and I only felt sad 'coz you started to cry. All I remembered was you telling me that this'll be the last anniversary we'll have. I was lost for words but you assured me that it's not what I was thinking. You told me that it was something else. You confessed that everything wasn't really what it seemed... That this was just my taste of something that could've been... something I could've had... but for some reason, call it serendipity if you want, you told me that we needed to experience this life just to see what if?

You were afraid of what I was gonna say because I was just silent. Then my eyes suddenly got waterly and I smiled. I told you, "Hey, its ok". You told me you really appreciated all that I've done for you and all that I had to put up with. And no amount of words could ever make up for what I gave you. Except 8 random letters... 3 simple words... 1 essential meaning... u said, "I love you" and you asked me to close my eyes and you kissed me.

When I opened them, you were gone... everything was gone... I didn't get a chance to say what I had to say so I'm saying it now. Faith has a way of making what could've beens more and more "what ifs?"... Your name has remarkably been erased from my memory and that your image seemed more and more vague the more I try to remember. I just want you to know that I'm thankful for what had happened (in this case what could've happened) I know you want me to have the opportunity to live a life I'd wanted...

In a way I already have...

For a few moments you've made me feel as if I truly meant something to someone. This "what if" has meant more to me that you know. I wanna say that I have no regrets... and...

I love you!

I Believe

"Do you really believe a man can shoulder the burden of sin?"


. . . I do! Because He's not just a man. . . He's our Saviour!

Red Kryptonite

I knew it was a part of me I just couldn't deny. A friend of my mom said it best, "there will still be some unsatisfactory traits if your child is that gifted". I knew I was born with these gifts and talents, and to the best of my ability used it to make other lives better. But somehow, in one way or another there's a part of me that eventually creeps its way out in which I do more harm than good. Ending up hurting those I love... and those I care for. My Red Kryptonite sort to speak.

Someone told me I can be condescending, Bruce affirmed that and told me I've become too riteous sometimes that it changes my confidence into arrogance. I realize that now, I feel ashamed and guilty that as he put it, "As much as how good your intension is towards others... you gotta to start taking a step back once in a while".

Hopefully this week will give me time to erradicate my inner demons and hopefully be the kind of man I'm supposed to be.

How to I feel? Guilty as charge! And in remorse...

Love and Time

There's no such thing as the right time!
It always comes in the most unexpected time, in the most unexpected situation.
All you gotta do is grab it, for it might be gone forever!

0 - 2

I come to understand more and more how hard it really is to have the one for your life. I mean you pray for the Big Guy upstairs and dream about what she would be like... but at the end of the day, it's always something else that'll get your attention. That x-factor that make u pause and say to urself, "Hey?! Could this be...?"

Bruce told me I was coming off as someone that is overwhelming, maybe she finds that intimidating since majority of the times a girl doesn't want a guy they feel they couldn't handle... but eventually ending up miserable in the end if she chooses a guy much less dominant but much more influencing, that usually how it ends up. You hear phrases such as "not right now" or "in time" but its always ironic that u just closed your eyes for a second and she suddenly decides to choose someone else. "All is fair in love and war" as they say. obviously I've been losing a lot of battles as of late. I haven't had a serious relationship in years, much because maybe of pride... or maybe I'm just too self-riteous that it rubs off the wrong way to her...

Someone told me that in this day in age, if she likes you, you'll know... And I'm aware of that, I'm just too clouded with the notion of thinking I shouldn't assume the worst whereinfact the worst is already presenting itself right in front of me, and all I gotta do is accept the fact that for now, if it doesn't fit don't force it!

I have much to say but I should restrain myself and get back on track! I rarely rant my frustrations but its something that I just had to get out of my system.

I'm battered, bruised, but not beaten!

How do I feel? I feel like I'm so used to it that I actually feel numb!